On Nature Pooping

Our good buddy claims that his most valued piece of gear on the trail was his plastic Powerade bottle that he would flip upside down (cap side pressing into the dirt) and rest his head on the butt of the bottle, making an awkwardly angled but otherwise comfortable pillow. People love their Jetboil stoves and their Darn Tough socks (lifetime warranty!). 

My favorite thing that I carried in my backpack for five months? The most essential, can't-live-without-it item that I've cherished above all the other things? The one thing that was practical, lightweight and made my time living in the woods more comfortable? 

A little thing I like to call "Princess Buttstuff's Backcountry Bidet." (Patent pending) My backcountry bidet is actually just a little plastic squeeze tube bottle from REI, probably about 12oz or so. But this thing is the bee's knees. Shitting in the woods is one thing, but having to mess around with toilet paper and packing it out (don't you bury that stuff in the ground, you jerk!!) is utterly disgusting. Nope, no toilet paper for us. 

And the easiest way to justify the backcountry bidet, because people are easily skeeved out by the idea of getting familiar with their own buttholes and potentially getting a little of their own poop on their hands, is this: if you (accidentally) got poop on yourself (use your imagination), would you just wipe it off with toilet paper and be satisfied with that solution? Hell no. You'd wash that shit off with soap and water. Vigorously.

So why, then, when you take a poop would you be satisfied with just wiping with toilet paper? That's gross too.

It works like this: you take your backcountry bidet and you fill it with water (doesn't have to be treated water, obviously) and a few drops of your favorite Doctor Bronner's soap. You walk off trail and you dig your cat hole and you take your poop. Then- while still squatting- you simply squirt the water from your bidet with one hand down your buttcrack while using the other hand to wash your butt with said water. Repeat until clean, use remaining water to wash hand. Dry with a bandana and then use some antibacterial hand sanitizer. Done and done.

No mess, no nasty toilet paper to deal with. Leave no trace. In fact, you'll be even cleaner than you were before you pooped. 

You hear a lot about this "butt chafe" phenomenon that happens to people while they're hiking. I firmly believe this is caused by having a dirty butt. That's disgusting. We're all adults here. Grow up, it's just a little poop. Wash your butt, wash your hands. End of story.

Because anyone who buries their toilet paper (or Wet Wipes, for that matter) is an asshole. 

So next time you need to nature poop, remember to bring your "Princess Buttstuff's Backcountry Bidet." Because if you're going to live in the woods, you might as well be civilized about it. 

Welcome to the clean butt club.